If you’re reading this, it likely means you understand as well as me that marriage can sometimes be TOUGH. Yes you’ve always heard people say “marriage can be tough” and “marriage takes work.” But when you actually are IN IT and LIFE happens…how are you supposed to know how to “work” at your marriage? Well I don’t know the answers to all of your problems, but today I just want to share a book that was given to me about a year ago that has been a key part in helping Jordan and I face these trials together, improve our communication, and grow closer to God together in the process!
I know I don’t need to sit here and alert you of the absolute ridiculousness of social media today. Instead I’m just going to ask… on a day to day basis, how many times during the day do you actually TALK to your spouse? I mean face to face or over the phone-not text, email or via facebook or snapchat? People are always so shocked at the high number of divorces in our country… most of the time they just don’t know how to communicate outside of a text message or outside the generic “how are you?” and “what did you do today?”
Along with the lack of actual conversation and communication, we set expectations in our mind of what we expect of our spouse daily. So of course, we continue to be let down day after day, and unable to communicate in a calm manner.
For example, as a newly married couple 4 years ago, it drove Jordan insane that I always left the cabinets open. For me, I didn’t even notice that I was doing it, but it was driving him crazy.
While at the same time it was driving me insane that he would forget to wipe the crumbs off the counter…but he didn’t even realize he was doing it. I expected he would just figure it out and I didn’t want to cause an argument because I just KNEW I would say it way too sassy “why can’t you wipe the counters down!?”
So I just would never say anything at all…
Instead it just accumulates day after day into an explosion.Ever been there? Then you’re angrily telling your spouse what to do differently and what your expectations are of them, all the while ignoring what they are angrily asking of you as well.
THIS. SOLVES. NOTHING.
This is just a small example, but I’m sure you can think of one thing right now that you would love to kindly ask your spouse to stop doing, because it would just make life easier.
God throws a lot of trials our way as married couples. Career moves, financial changes, housing situations change, sickness, death, new life with a baby or even a puppy. You have to learn to adapt and change and grow TOGETHER in these trials rather than go through them alone with no communication, eventually pushing each other apart.
Let me get on to the details.
Like I said, this book was given to us a year ago for Christmas and it has been so great for our marriage! In the good times AND the bad.
The Navigators Council book is a marriage journal designed to help “share your heart and understand theirs.” It is a weekly journal, so basically you pick one day of the week that you know you can follow through with each week (we chose Sunday mornings) to sit down and go through a short devotional. It’s a one page read which is always so important to start off withto humble yourself, remove selfishness, and remind yourself what your marriage is all about. Without this, I think these conversations could go a lot differently. Our selfish pride takes over, we get defensive, we attack. Allow GOD to be the center of this conversation and you will be amazed at how quickly your guard is let down, how quickly you feel HEARD by your spouse and how easily you find it to communicate what is on your heart and mind.
After the one page read, you fill out your calendar together for the week….
Why a calendar you ask?
Please don’t tell me I’m the only one who has this conversation with her husband on a weekly basis…
“Hey babe I’m going golfing with the guys Saturday FYI” Me: ” I told you a thousand times we have (insert already planned activity that we have talked about on multiple occasions)” 😂
There is just so much going on in life that it is so helpful to communicate what plans are ahead, when to expect to see each other, and if you need to, even plan out a set day or time for a date or just spend quality time together. Without knowing what’s ahead, it again can start those expectations in our minds and lead to disappointment and frustration.
After the devotional and quick calendar update, the next two pages has 6 simple questions…for example:
1. What brought you joy this week?
Communicating with your spouse means you share the highs AND the lows. I know I never think to ask Jordan, “what brought you joy this week?” and to hear and understand his answer, I get a deeper understanding of who he is, what brings him joy, and how I can bring more joy to his life.
One thing I quickly learned in my marriage is-it’s not all about ME. My happiness is NOT number one. In fact, I will be 100% completely unhappy if my spouse is unhappy, so why not do what I can to bring joy to his life? Naturally, he will respond by wanting to bring more joy to MY life as well.
2. What is something that was hard this week?
Again, something that is huge to know and understand about your spouse. Maybe something at work happened to your spouse FIVE DAYS AGO, where, to you, it seemed like NOTHING, but now you can see, “wow, this really meant a lot to him and was really hard, I just brushed it under the rug.” By talking about this, I again can be more aware and he can be more aware so that, for example, when I come home upset because Harper had a bad day in daycare, and to him it’s nothing, he now understands that it’s a big deal to me and can comfort me in that moment rather than letting me dwell and get upset at him because he didn’t meet my expectation and solve it.
3. What is one specific thing I can do for you this week?
This question is always big for us to talk about those things that we don’t want to say outside “the book” because, like I said, I get annoyed and say it with way too much sass and attitude 😂. BUT sometimes it can be as simple as ‘pray for my patience’ or ‘plan a date night for us this week’. It doesn’t always have to be something that needs to be “fixed.”
4. Is there any unconfessed sin, conflict, or hurt that we need to resolve and/or seek forgiveness for?
It’s not often that we talk about conflict or hurt in a calm manner. It’s a natural response to want to lash out and be angry with the person, even if it isn’t your spouse who hurt you. This is a great discussion to have with one another, to humble yourself and forgive as Jesus calls us to forgive.
5. What is a dream, craving, or desire that has been on the forefront of your mind?
I always love hearing Jordan’s answer! This is something that I would never know about and is a really cool thing to learn and understand about your spouse each week.
6. How can I pray for you this week?
The most important of all… Prayer is POWERFUL. (I even have a story to prove it.) Don’t just give each other prayer requests and move on with your week, never to think about it again. Genuinely pray for your spouse and the things they are asking for you to pray for, they are obviously weighing on their heart, and it’s YOUR JOB to support them.
I truly believe this book has done wonders for Jordan and I in helping us transition as parents and throughout the MANY stresses that it brings. No matter what stage of life you are in, there’s no doubt this book will help IMPROVE your relationship. Who DOESN’T want to improve their relationship with not only their spouse, but with God?